"There's always more fish in the sea."
Except if they're dead floating in a pond. Even Chuck Testa can't revitalize them then.
Of course I’m talking about that risky choice to reveal who you like which becomes known to an entire group of mutual friends. Much like buying a car or jumping off a ledge, the opportunity to step back and re-assess the alternative options once you have made the initial leap of showing your feelings is long gone. As soon as you have clearly expressed interest, you may as well bag your chances with any of that person’s friends too unless they’re apt to be a second option.
And who wants to be a second option? People want to be cherished, special, and selected above all others.
Picture this: You are a fisherman equip with poisonous harpoons. Your fishing territory is a collection of ponds separated by rocks much like a tide pool. Some of these ponds are colossal and swarming with fish while others contain just a few. Every time you feel like hunting you search for a desired fish within a specific pond, take aim and launch your harpoon downward. Whether you strike the fish or not, your weapon pierces the aquatic floor and exudes an insidious poison that soon makes all of fish in the pond croak and float to the top. Sometimes, you pull out your fish and other times you miss, but regardless, you pollute the pond. If you want to hunt again, you'll have to find a different pond because even if there were other fantastic fish in the polluted one, they're dead now.
This is what happens all of the time when people pursue other people.
Boy likes girl a and kinda likes another girl b who also likes the boy. Girl b knows girl a and knows that boy has first chosen girl a. Then things fall apart with girl a so boy then wants to be with girl b. Girl b hates being the second choice and floats away from boy. Girl c (if she exists) does the same and talks with girl b about how terrible boy is. Girl b and c bond and become best friends.
Ok, I made up the last part, but the point is that by selecting girl a, the boy just polluted the pond. In the pond was girl a, b, c and possibly more awesome fish too. Maybe he didn’t care that he forwent his chances with girl b and c by choosing girl a, but he should at least known he would kill the other fish.
So what can you do? Your best bet is to shoot for a smaller pond. A pond where just a few other fish are swimming. If any hesitation of which fish to choose exists in a large body of water, you would be wise to wait to keep the water pure and the fish swimming. So next time when you go hunting, go small or you might go home disappointed. And also, aim away from bottom feeders.
*Disclaimer: This scenario has no relevance whatsoever within Jersey Shore much of the greek sorority and fraternity ponds.
Hi Brian! Thanks for commenting on my blog. :) It's always good to meet more of Jo's friends!
ReplyDeleteMaybe I approach this topic from a particularly feminine standpoint, but being one of the girls who would never go with a guy who has expressed interest in a friend, perhaps I can shed some light on this situation?
For some people, I do think that the idea of being 'sloppy seconds' is a legitimate squelcher of potential relationships. But I think in many cases, it goes beyond that. I think it really comes down a person's unique outtake on love. Some people think that love is like the lotto: you have to play--sometimes many times--to win. Others (and I include myself in this group) simply don't believe in the game. I (and many of the people I tend to associate with--mostly female but quite a few males as well) really do think that honestly liking someone encapsulates the feeling of -not being afraid- to pollute the pond; after all, why attempt a relationship at all if you're already ranking your fall back options?
Ultimately neither of these options are 'correct' or 'incorrect.' People in both groups find a way there. But it seems sparking up a relationship between two people from different camps is much more likely to lead to uneven expectations and ultimately disappointment. This knowledge, I think, is what usually keeps Girl B from pursuing a relationship with someone she is otherwise interested in. So I guess, yes, the pond has been polluted... but probably for the better of all parties involved.
Don't think of it as a loss. Think of it as weeding out people you're most likely not compatible with anyway.
Also, the idea of being a speared fish is not very romantic! Might want to think of a more apt metaphor if you're going to talk to girls about this phenomena. ;) Good luck out there, Champ!
Hey Jezi,
ReplyDeleteGlad you have wandered over to my blogosphere. Just a disclaimer, this entry and all of my girl entries, were originally written for a website called Justhustlin.com (doesn't exist anymore) where guys gave advice to other guys about what they had learned or noticed while pursuing a girl. So the entries are all guy perspectives to guys and this might lead especially lead to disagreements among girls (as well as some guys too). And that's ok.
As you pointed out, spearing fish and being a speared fish is far from romantic and never was meant to be in this metaphor. I only attempted to make the analogy make sense. You could only be interested in one fish and the rest of the pond would have to become toxic somehow. (Originally, I was thinking the liker was a fish instead of a hunter, and that fish was searching for other fish. But I couldn't invent a logical way to pollute the other fish when one fish chose another. So I sacrificed the more romantic metaphor ;-p)
I'm not condoning sparking up a relationship from two camps as I may have mislead you to believe. I don't support multiple relationships and cheating in all all! Perhaps, I'll need edit it to make that more clear. I was picturing the hunter choosing one pond one at a time actually. I'm really just saying that large ponds are more risky than small ones if the hunter is trying to find a fish by maximizing his options.
And Ideally, you would be so sold on one fish that you knew no other fish could compare so you would have no fear in polluting the pond. I talked with some girls who believe that when they like a guy and they are not in a relationship yet, that guy is so special that they're not concerned at all with forgoing the guys who are in the same community. And that seems to be what you are describing. In that case, the decision is easy and you shouldn't be concerned with polluting the pond.
But many times, there's closer calls. Sometimes people find a person that they like, but she/he isn't quite ideal. Maybe there's a few smaller issues with this person, but overall he/she pretty great. And the person might not know the other people in the community well enough to say that there isn't a better fish within it. So the smarter thing to do is hold off and get to know others or just go to a different hopefully smaller pond entirely. Maybe this is another guy perspective, but I've seen this situation play out for many people who have both waited and gone for it and that's what this post is about.
Thanks for the detailed response! It's always good to get a girls perspective on these things.