For some time, I’ve been thinking about how people change. How do people come to value new ideas ignite passionate for causes? I’ve always been fascinated by how people become themselves whether by their own ambition, family, friends or society. All play a role, but some influence people to greater degrees, especially whichever one a person spends more time with. Whoever you spend time with, you will become like without even knowing it sometimes. Studies have shown that “emotional contagiousness” exists and that your level of happiness is directly proportional to the happiness of your friends and their friends. [1] Whether you like it or not, you will pick up on some of the things people around you say and think as well as their attitudes and emotions. Sometimes, I even catch myself speaking with the same tone and jargon as friends I know or teachers I’ve been learning from recently. Even now as I write this, I’m writing under the influence of Atul Gawande, just because I’ve been reading one of his books today (I would definitely recommend Checklist Manifesto).
Now lets say you want someone to change. What if you want to make a person to lose weight or stop being so critical? One way would be to ensure that the people that surround them behave in a way that aligns with the change. Habits can change quickly around certain groups of people. I’ve seen, on multiple occasions, people who ordinarily cuss, but when they happen to be around people who don’t they follow suit. It would be too awkward otherwise. But you can’t always make someone go into a certain environment all of the time. There has to be other ways to make change intentional.
I’m sure psychologists have dozens of guidelines for how to change and motivate people, but here are two that I’m sold on.
1. If you want a person to change, never directly tell them that their beliefs are wrong. Also don’t tell someone that they NEED to change or else bla bla bla will happen. The “your wrong and this is how you should be” approach is tempting because it’s honest, logical and to the point. It might work with certain personality types, but in most cases, it’s bound to fail. You want to out argue the person, but most of the time, the person will become defensive or/and shut down. Then, future attempts will automatically be prone to further unwinable battles.
Instead, a person or group of people must (somewhat) independently realize that change is necessary and muster the motivation to do it. People feel most empowered to alter their beliefs or lifestyles when they have come up with the answer themselves. That way, they can take pride in their own intuition and ambition when positive change occurs. This route often involves a discussion of the topic. In this discussion, non-judgmental questions are crucial. At first, I was skeptical of this method since it feels childish to me, but any discussion can geared to the level of the individual. “What holds you back from losing weight?” “What’s fair in this situation?” “What do you think are reasonable goals for you?” These kinds of questions can help a person come to his own conclusions?
2. Accountability will help change and is sometimes necessary. For most, changing their ideology or lifestyle is extremely challenging. Something tantamount to waking up one day and swimming 10 miles or filing your nails on a chalkboard, at least at first. In rare cases, a person with incredible will power can stop an addiction, or habit just by wanting it away badly enough. But for most, it REQUIRES a SEISMIC environmental alteration or a PUBLIC declaration to do something differently. With accountability, you are constantly reminded that friends expect you to change. This makes failure a great embarrassment. And success stories from the flash diet show that peer pressure is one of the strongest factors in changing eating habits. [2].
Certainly, there are other big factors too. Cataclysmic events like a heart attack will often make a person serious about exercise and diet. Reward and punishments can work well too, but I believe only if a person establishes them independently.
How have you changed and why? What or who made you change? Did you know you changed when it happened?
1. Christakis, Nicholas and Fowler, James. SOCIAL NETWORKS AND HAPPINESS http://edge.org/3rd_culture/christakis_fowler08/christakis_fowler08_index.html
2. Flash diet. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1052234/The-flash-diet-Taking-photos-meals-helps-slimmers-lose-weight.html
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